even newer. nüar.

just reread every blog post on this site.
inspired.
i laughed, i cried, i had to get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of it (actually i did zero of these things).
hm.
so.

there are two really weird things i've noticed about myself:
one. i love to give compliments i absolutely don't mean. i automatically will comment on some sick chick's nasty ratty streaky hair that i hate. it's the weirdest thing. the less i like something, the more i'm inclined to tell someone i like it.
two. i revel in the excitement of drama and hardships. today i could feel my pulse rising when my mom said twelve magical words that NEVER cease to perk me right up, intent: "i should probably just tell you guys, because you need to know." she says it in this tone that just screams advance-regret and probably-should-but-don't-wanna. the news was that cole's ex-girlfriend (who still goes to weekly dinner and prom with cole???) got in a serious car accident, how serious is unknown to her but "cole's crying." she's fine, currently in surgery to fix her exploded ankle and knee. whenever things happen like this, you know the things that you're just like "HA! that's just GREA-A-A-A-T. thanks." in a scathingly sarcastic tone, i can't help but be excited.

ohhh man. my therapist in thirty years will probably make a fortune off this alone.
insert eye roll and sigh.

new! or should i say n00...?

http://www.avclub.com/content/node/24504

interesting, very interesting.
i find it hard to blog anymore. i get nervous when all i write about is current events and myself, because i want to be more than that. i want to be intellectual, selfless and discuss matters of the world and things that pertain to everyone and not just me.
but i can't.
i don't know enough on each topic. the only truth i know is that of which i witness and experience day to day.

and that's subjectivity for ya, babe.

beauty

sufjan stevens
5am
driving
fog
birds chirping
dream schools
washington in, well, any season
10 days left of hell (i mean high?) school

prom, graduation, college and death threats

these are all on my mind.
i'm wiggin' because of the last one though.

here's how it went down.
two versions.

version 1: word of mouth
monday- on many bathroom mirrors throughout westside a message was written saying "on friday 13 will die." other variations include "by friday" or "westside students will die."
tuesday- random windows were broken on the hill. eerily, there were 13. i heard it might of been gunshots.

version 2: news (source: http://www.action3news.com/Global/story.asp?S=8206161)
monday- "Just yesterday, officers headed to the school after teachers and students found several threatening messages in several restrooms at the high school. District 66 would not give out any specific information about what
"District 66 confirms that those cars were all parked in the neighborhood around the school. A spokesperson says the windows were likely broken by a BB or pellet gun. Omaha Police tell us they don't think the threats and the vandalism are connected."

maybe the bolded portion is true... but if it was really 13 (like if 3 didn't report yet or something).........

i'm scared.

on the bright side, i'm now the girlfriend of a sex god

mm i wish.

bright:
a. ran 1.5 miles... which is epic for me. body aches... hurts so good... athleticism is low grade sadism, i swear.
b. have prom date.
c. all homework is done.
d. i'm going to bed early...

not so bright
a. just inhaled bread pudding surrounded in caramel sauce. can feel once clear arteries slowly but surely clogging.
b. prom date is a mute. maybe i can return to my old mute self with him! we can conversations with our eyes. unfortunately i'm being sarcastic or this would be in the bright column.
c. correction: all homework is done that i haven't lost or forgotten to turn in.
d. ish

and that's my evening.
night lovermuffin.

debbie downer.

alright,
you say you want an update.

i've been pretty, as arman zelkjovic would say, sketchh lately.
in that i really have just given up on trying in high school.
i'm utterly fixated on college and making money for college and being hot at college and having a good personality to meet people in college.
it's so sad. it's like i need something to obsess about, and that's my personality.
i hate being type A. i hate it.
but i can't just not care. i'm too passionate, obsessive, dwelling. i'm also going to die about 10 years earlier than someone like sarah gill. but i'm not too upset about that, old age depresses me.

also,
i've been thinking about depression lately. i've been in this AWFUL funk for a couple of months and i've been trying to snap out of it and/or waiting to snap out of it.
it just ain't happening.
i can see myself isolating and becoming reclusive, but i'm okay with that.
i find myself being a raging bitch but i just see it as being cynical.
i take out my stress on those around me, especially on my mom and dad and it's not fair.

okay, i need to stop now.
but maybe now you understand why i haven't been blogging or journaling. i've been in a terrible mood and don't feel good about anything and don't want to write about cute interesting things in my life because i'd rather sit around and be moody and then escape from it all with outlets like the O.C.

catalina la loca

currently i am proving the nickname given to me is totally true.
that's right.
i, fafjaeiojf, am a weirdo with a beard-o.
only without the beard. i do have a teeny mustache, though, but that's a touchy subject.

anyway.
the reason i say this is because i am eating dinner. at 10:18 pm.
consisting of:
carrots
creamed cabbage
yogurt
almonds
milk with vanilla protein powder.


it's a wonder i even got into college.
seattle sent me an acceptance letter today and tomorrow i'm supposed to find out about puget sound.
omgomgomgomg i'm so nervous.

love,
CLL




EDITTTTT:

i just got accepted to my dream school.
speaking of dream, i must be doing so right now.
oh
my
gosh.

her name is nona, she's a rocker with a nosering

people are really unperceptive.
maybe i'll just add a body piercing until i look truly badass and i emanate BAMF from a 50 ft radius.

this is a stupid post.
will update/rebamf later.
maybe.

currents

i'm sitting in my kitchen, an hour past my bedtime, unshowered
eating creme brulee after working out for 1.5 hours
and i have zero homework done for tomorrow.

ben, text me back!

why am i consistently in the weirdest moods ever?
unfortunately i think they are in fact turning into my personality.
i don't want to sleep, eat healthy, get good grades, clean my room
yet i'm tired, hungry, good at school, going crazy with my clutteredness

i'm just one big sack of blah.
help?

birthing day.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
today started wonderfully with a b-session to sarah about my parents and being served a notice of my pass revokation (revok+-ation=????). marvy.

but really, today is a good day.
i think i shall make birthday resolutions... but i will work on those later.
the first ones are to stop cussing and drink a million times more water (not literally. see: PS3 incident). and maybe to stop being a b to carlos after i talk to him about everything.

deep thoughts. okay. i need to talk about something actually substantial before i spontaneously combust (although that would be sweet).
i've been thinking about love vs. practicality. i was first inspired by this upon love-at-first-hear of the line "just because it's real don't mean it's gonna work" from true affection by the blow (excellent band, by the way. probably my favorite at the moment)
and also my cousin diane's scenario; the whole loving two guys but one is more compatible and she's totally devastated and depressed about it.
SO. (get ready for this carrie bradshaw action to rock your shiz) which is better: love first and then practicality second, or practicality and love second, if the second one is optional? which one lasts longer and creates a better relationship? what defines a good relationship? is a lasting relationship still the highest regarded relationship? can you really love someone for a short time? can an old married couple constantly bickering and staying together for the kids or for the sake of their scruples be considered to be in love (practicality>love)????

eighteen... meh.

FCKKKKKKKK

FCKFCKFCK

i hate carlos.
i hate him.

and now i have a shadowing gig at prairie life center
to see if i "fit" for a job as a snack girl.

later::
hey
you should call me back.

happenings.

"all poetic and philosophical and shit"
yes... indeed.
that was a hysterical comment.


cjeaiojceioafj (e-throat clear)
winter formal.
basically there was little to no awkwardness between zac and i
i was a teeny bit nervous at the beginning (see * below... got me frazzled)
but we get along pretty well.
the whole night FLEW by. we got there at 8:30, had to go change for the time warp (http://youtube.com/watch?v=lrDeyJGPamw). then, by the time we got changed back after the whole battle of the bands and had chatted with everyone for a while, it was 10:30 so we danced for 25 minutes (sidenote: i missed you because i was dancing like a madwoman.)
afterwards, we went to donut stop & emma's house and zac took me home.
i "lingered" in his car for a little to give him a chance to make a move but he didn't so i was like "thankssomuchbye!" no hard feelings. i'm not too into him persayyy and would have had a good time, mack or not.
carlos was still up looking troubled and "couldn't sleep"... maybe because of the picture fiasco (again, see *)

anyway, that was my night
other than that, i'm pwnt in school, had my prairie life center interview today and basically have just been chillin and playing truth or dare with henry ginsberg over firstclass. that ended pseudo-climatically when he said i was a 7.693 (out of 10) and then asked if i would ever hook up with him.
jiposajgipeajgeiap

*story (of my life!) time: so i let zac in when he picks me up and he enters the living room for a "quick pic" where 5 ecuadorians sit (as if they were my brothers there to give him the up down and ask him his intentions with me.) i ask someone to take a picture and, while carlos snaps one of zaccy and i, jaime randomly goes "carlos, kiss her!" and carlos is all "jaime, shut up!!!!!" and jaime answers "we all know you're in love with her"
...at which time i snatched my camera from carlos' grubby hands and flew out the door, date in tow.
WTFFFFFFF??????

freestyle poetry???

go further so you you can come back faster
race the lines that vein through the plaster
kick flip, so you can catch the flashing images
a flood of cars and darting appendages
but don't fret or get wet, cause everyone knows
it'll all be over sooner than you kill all the crows
this will be clear when you come to the other side
of the fork in that road that your time often bides



yeah... no idea
weak ending and lack of focus.
i actually really like it. verbally it's almost a rap.

come on petunia

when i first went to this blog last night,
i was like "oh. 4 comments. maybe ash wants an update"
but then i read the comment about lolcats...

luckily, i know you didn't mean that as your clearly a crazy gay-guy-following druggie and know not what you say.

anyway, thinking of you on this marvelous valentine's day.
i decided to wear head to toe black with the exception of my beloved neon pink legwarmers
then, for fun, i threw on superthick black eyeliner and pigtails.
so i guess the phrase "a sight for sore eyes" is kind of relevant because the fluorescent leg apparel are enough to make one's eyes sore.

mehhmehehhh mornings
i would read my mega-trashy book (bridget jone's diary... don't disown me!)
but that's embarrassing and i'm sitting by david raybine.

she talks slowly while she inhales
her lungs greedily pulling air
the leaves and twigs weaved in her hair
from a thousand hikes and trails

(i used to think of cool imagery all the time and want to write it down but never did
i should start doing that again. it's like an "eye" for photography... you have to acquire it)

roots.

remember yours.

"Dr. Harold Edgerton of Aurora, Nebraska is the inventor of the strobe light."

fact courtesy of noa harnik.
just a little fun tidbit because i'm in a good mood.
a good soul (and room!!!!) cleaning was much needed and i got it tonight.
next on the agenda is to drink hot tea and scribble in my journal only to retire moderately early.

ciaooooooooooo and updates on lew-zow a must.
peaches,
cait

hey girl heyyyyy

you have not departed from omaha, but as far as i know, you are gone gone gone...
so farrrr away, doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?

just a few updates:
a. i lovelovelove my new bangs!!!! they were too greasy to see all their potential but now i look in the mirror and i'm like BAM!!!!!!!!!! okay, girly section over (although i'm rather embarrassed because for senior proj i have a page up in firefox called 'how to be girly.' on the bright side, it's better than fat wet bootyfeaipfjea)
b. carlos isn't talking to me. he won't even look at me. i can't decide if it's because of the nyquil or not. if so, i'm leaving with the three most ridiculous and immature people on the planet. but i guess sometimes i fit in.

anyway,
i've been thinking about innocence a lot. ben and i talked about it a little and looked at ogrish (ever heard??? the most gruesome and dehumanizing site i've ever seen).
my thoughts are that innocence should be preserved in children, but i'm super confused as to what i feel about whether innocence=ignorance and especially at what age should innocence be lost and how. i guess i use innocence as the opposite of desensitization.

interesting stuff.
it's like developmental psychology.

kbyemissyoualready

long days.

long days are funny.
and by that generalization, i mean i'm talking about today, which was, you guessed it, a long day. (YES! 4 commas in one terribly split up garbled "sentence").

long days. they are so long there's nothing else to make fun of so you resort to making phallic jokes playing off the word "long" (hint: i've had too much benny b today)
long days. they are so long that, and this is statistically supported, they have good moments and bad moments so you can't revel in glory or bitch about how your life sucks.
long days. they areb sol longu theyr blurblrurrurrtogbetluherbltobglebrulr.
long days. they are so long that anything you read is simultaneously profound and yawn-inducing.
long days. they are so long you get into a state of delirium and think it's perfectly okay and healthy to watch 3 episodes of ANTM instead of doing easy, mildly enjoyable homework (a rarity).
long days. they are so long you don't want them to end or you don't know how because you forgot.
long days. they are so long you miss your best friend and can't wait for her to visit but are sad that you have sooo much shit to do while she's here and won't see her until summer because she's going to be flouncing around in maple leaves covering her nudey bits on spring break while you are most likely going to be watching ANTM. still. and eating lots of ice cream. because that's what superpathetico people do. and you would know (you=me=bovez=second person=wtf).

long days are
long.
but this one just officially ended. happy 12:01.

whoremonal overload/overwhelm

ok i'd like to start by saying... lylas bffaeaeaeaeeae omg ty 4 da the comments on my last post.
:)
yikes... i'm just a rollercoaster. not of love, though.

anyway,
i need to write about boys.
WHAT GIVES???
january of my senior year... i think everyone has S.A.D. and takes out their anxiety through carnal ways.
serioussssssly.
so tonight we all ended up at alia's: all the ecuadorians, zac, ben, charlie, david, graham, ev, sarah, emma, etc.
here's how the events unfolded:
-zac and ben showed but i was a bit shy. i played wii with them... but there wasn't much talking. ben disappeared soon thereafter but zac stayed till the end, chatting with char, alia, y david.
-emma and sarah confronted carlos for like 3 hours and ran away when i tried to see what was up... later tackling me to tell me that carlos is "fucking obsessed" (emma's words) with me and that zac reallyreally likes me. zac said he wants to go to winter formal with me and, in response to emma's "we'll doll her up," said "i'll take her just the way she is." i then proceeded to pseudo-ignore him until he left and i said bye and alia yelled at me because i didn't walk him to the door and ask him to winter formal. this is the first time we'd ever hung out in our lives!! ugh.
-jaime and carlos were yelling at each other in spanish for like 10 minutes and allegedly they were fighting over me.
-federico and i flirted it up... but i guess i'm just hallucinating because apparently he doesn't like any of us and has a girl at home (i saw a pic... she's SUPER gorgeous)
-david and graham harassed me to go make a move on zac... and when i got home i checked my email, david asked if i popped the question. conversation as follows:
caitlin- "no...
can i just say one thing:
tonight was the first time zac and i have ever hung out.

who are YOU asking, mr. accusypants!
wait it's sadie hawk. nvm."
david- "maybe you...?
but i didn't think you were going to ask him anyways
you and panchi would be cute"

4 guys. 1 night. 1 cup.
S.A.D. rears its ugly head.

one more thing to make this post as debbie downer as possible:
my 103-yr old great grandma is in hospice, something i'd never heard of. my mom told me they put her on a bunch of drugs and, even though she won't eat, they don't tube her. i was crying and yelling "they're letting her STARVE!? that's MURDER!"

see what i mean by rollercoaster.

ily,
can't wait till you get home.
just for the record, i'm not nearly as moody or cynical in person— to prove this i will reference (bitchily haha) the 4 guys thing. i'm happy most of the time. my life is exciting, and i've come a looong way socially. i don't feel like a loser and i am getting out there.
your visit will be fun, i promise.
by the way, the fantas have seen "y tú madre tambien"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'll leave you with the image of semen staining the mountains (or murky chlorinated pool water, whichever)

flaws

indie pretentious, usually closeted
does not go to bed and bitches (usually in head, sometimes on blog) incessantly every single morning after
hates boys that likes her in the most illogical of fashions
caught between the tension of opposites in nearly everything
book sltml (short and long term memory loss)
unemployed
sucky conversator 99% of the time
needs to write in journal 86% more rather than b to unfortunate loved ones
zero experience in the ex-say category (but ellect-exsay at ig-pay atin-lay. charming. not.)
hates too much
terrible christian
inconsistent as her clothing style
bound to be a cat woman or regional manager of hardees in 20-30 years
worst dieter ever
down on self too much.

wanta fanta?

(brace yourself, major ecuadorian blathering ahead)

DUDE.
"fantas" has caught on.
nice call, they were demanding to know what it means... they are so slow sometimes.

I'M SO CONFUSED/MAD ABOUT CARLOS.
i think we talked about this pic: the booty hair cut pic?
one of the comments (it's federico's) means: "she is for US TWO," meaning carlos and him
i made carlos translate it for me with a lot of huffs, foot stomps and threats and he was obviously uncomfy, but once he told me that i like stomped out of the room saying "WHY WOULD HE SAY THAT, CARLOS? WHY???"
what i meant, of course, was: WTF (w=why) DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON YOUR SISTER, YOU SICK PERV.

ugh, i glower at him whenever i see him, which is a lot. we are room neighbors. frickin' a.

not a pretty sight.

last post i gave promise of a nicer saner post.
this is not that post.

this morning i woke up at 7 and was about to get into the shower when my mom intercepted and told me i couldn't take a shower (it'd been 2+ days since my last AND i was waking up from 5 hours of sleep). we agreed on 5 minutes of a shower, and halfway through it went scalding and then freezing.
that is such a peachy way to start my day.
in homeroom ben sat by me and we greeted each other but not much else.

UGH
i have senioritis so ridiculously bad. i will seriously light someone on fire if i don't get more than 7 hours of sleep tonight and my homework/college shit done.
aifjeiapjfeiopafjipeajfiepafjiepafjape

i guess that's all i have to b about.
if i think of more, i'll let you know.

by the way, times i used the word "i" in this post: 12. "me/my": 5
caitlin hates talking about herself.

friggidy freaking frick.

yet another weekend checked off the calendar of monotony. this one passed, as usual, with not so much as one easy classes' homework even attempted. and now it's sunday, supposedly the holy day. i'll have you know i was watching "obedece a la morsa", a satanic/cultish video that is like the weirdest thing ever. youtube it. it's not scary to watch (just veryvery creepy) but apparently has subliminal messages and makes you nauseous/not want to sleep for days. the only thing is that it's in spanish so idk if it works on me or not. billy's watched it 4+ times and walks around like the guy (yes, it's a guy) in it.

anyway,
my dermatologist gave me a fright. i went in to get off my meds because i hate being medicated and i've been sucking it up and plastering on flesh-toned paint (makeup... sick) on the daily lately.
basically i got my blood taken, now being tested for ANA, which has something to do with IMMUNE DEFICIENCIES and lupus (!!!) so i'm just like WTF.
and it's all because of this butterfly-shaped redness on my face. which i'm pretty sure is rosacea. so now we're twins. but i have AIDS. again, wtfffffff (or in spanish, ¡qué chucha!)

on the ecuadorian front, i have this slight feeling that some of them are liking me more. it's weird but i hang out with all of them a lot and we all get along well. i don't know if you heard the results of who they had a crush on initially (after the first weekend we hung out with them).
here's how many boys had crushes on us: lisa: 5. and she didn't talk. alia: 2. and she basically yelled the entire night, which is her indoor voice. sarah: 1. caitlin: 0.

but anyway, this blog is uncomfortable for me to write because i feel oddly biznitchy right now and i think it's showing through to my writing. i've been so crabby lately due to random boys in my house talking until 1 am. keeping in mind, i like going to bed at 11 on weekends. it blowsssss.
so expect a slightly saner, nicer post soon.
and call me back!

loves,
boves

situational writing: if i were... benny b's boo

omgggg isn't this layout, like, so totally the most perfect thing ever?
like, the name of my blog is "dots of thoughts", so when i saw this layout with tons of supercute lil' dots ALL over it, i was like "GAG ME WITH A SPOON IF THIS ISN'T THE CUTEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD!"
i literally shrieked that aloud to my bite-sized chihuahua residing in my new gucci barbie pink bag.

anyway,
benny b is like, the hottest boy ever.
we have the deepest convos too!
like yesterday, he was all telling me how pretty i was and how sexy i looked in my diesel jeans.
i was like "omg, you are too sweet. i'm so glad you think so! i live to be as sexy as i can for you"
it's almost like he doesn't even want to sleep with me the way he talks to me and looks at me.
but that doesn't mean we won't do it... he's like so cute and he thinks i'm sexy so obviously that's all i need to let him take a trip to netherlands. he like so totally really cares about me, i can tell. he even drives me around sometimes and makes zac sit in back so i can have shotty. so what if you can totally see up my midget-sized abercrombie skirt from the rearview mirror, ben doesn't even care if i'm pretty or not.
i just know we'll be together forever and ever. even if we're not exactly dating, we practically are. he just doesn't call me his gf cuz he's not allowed to date cuz his parents won't let him, not that i've met them.

omg, so, you will NOT believe what ali coyle said the other day.
she was all talking to tim sockrider about how she didn't hook up with tab berger but everyone knows she so totally did. i mean, brooke benjamin and i spent 2 mods today in the SS talking about it and anyway, i was there and saw them... i think. i was really wasted LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

anywho, i've gotta jet. ben is texting me with another of his hilarious boner jokes.
omg i <3 him sooooo much. i even sign all my texts "xoxox sexxxxy cait" it's so totally like our thing or something. kind of like soulja boy is our song. that song sooo speaks to me. he told me he'd even superman me after WF if i go with him! whatever that means... guess i'll find out lol.

'ello world

wow,
cb is back in the blogging world and better than ever.
kind of.

mucho peril on the boy front, but overall happier about myself, even though benny b is always there to remind me i will never be hoish, conformist, hot or cool enough to be his boo.
POOP.

even though you, my darling annie, have already seen it, i would like to have it down anyway in the history books of my babyblog:

Ode to Babyboy Br*nig*n:
Where to begin on the topic of you, Ben?
Well, you sure as hell slaughtered what I had of Zen.
From your hot sculpted body right down to your face,
everything physical about you is ace.
But when I get down to the truth of "us,"
the possibility you'll ever love be makes me pout and fuss,
for along with those muscles, you hardened your heart,
and the lasting effects? Wow, where to start...
As you coerce and sweettalk girls into bed,
you miss out on the beauty (if any) of what's in their head.
It may seem awesome to "get" all those hoes now
But soon enough, when you're no longer hot, KA-POW!
You'll be left with a cheating wife or an empty bachelor's pad
and all that you'll have is distant memories of the girls you "had."
Now as I'm somewhat feminist, I can't fathom why I don't hate you,
your morals are nil and all words you sexually misconstrue.
The fact that you haven't died from an STD yet is absurd,
but my bitchery shall end as I only have one last parting word:
To your "lady friends," it's not your soul that he misses
for he has NO idea that "women are more than multiple orifices"!

also,
i had to gently decline neal gebhard today... woo that was emotionally draining. especially to see him in front of me writhing and admitting to having a "little thing" for me. ouch.
luckily, i told him "don't have a crush on me. i suck"
which couldn't be farther from the truth (figuratively, not literally on the sucking tyvm*)

anyway,
who needs school work when love lives are so challenging and exhausting on their own?

love,
that heartbreaking b, cait mehrie

*thankyouverymuch, if you didn't already figure it out.