even newer. nüar.

just reread every blog post on this site.
inspired.
i laughed, i cried, i had to get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of it (actually i did zero of these things).
hm.
so.

there are two really weird things i've noticed about myself:
one. i love to give compliments i absolutely don't mean. i automatically will comment on some sick chick's nasty ratty streaky hair that i hate. it's the weirdest thing. the less i like something, the more i'm inclined to tell someone i like it.
two. i revel in the excitement of drama and hardships. today i could feel my pulse rising when my mom said twelve magical words that NEVER cease to perk me right up, intent: "i should probably just tell you guys, because you need to know." she says it in this tone that just screams advance-regret and probably-should-but-don't-wanna. the news was that cole's ex-girlfriend (who still goes to weekly dinner and prom with cole???) got in a serious car accident, how serious is unknown to her but "cole's crying." she's fine, currently in surgery to fix her exploded ankle and knee. whenever things happen like this, you know the things that you're just like "HA! that's just GREA-A-A-A-T. thanks." in a scathingly sarcastic tone, i can't help but be excited.

ohhh man. my therapist in thirty years will probably make a fortune off this alone.
insert eye roll and sigh.

new! or should i say n00...?

http://www.avclub.com/content/node/24504

interesting, very interesting.
i find it hard to blog anymore. i get nervous when all i write about is current events and myself, because i want to be more than that. i want to be intellectual, selfless and discuss matters of the world and things that pertain to everyone and not just me.
but i can't.
i don't know enough on each topic. the only truth i know is that of which i witness and experience day to day.

and that's subjectivity for ya, babe.

beauty

sufjan stevens
5am
driving
fog
birds chirping
dream schools
washington in, well, any season
10 days left of hell (i mean high?) school

prom, graduation, college and death threats

these are all on my mind.
i'm wiggin' because of the last one though.

here's how it went down.
two versions.

version 1: word of mouth
monday- on many bathroom mirrors throughout westside a message was written saying "on friday 13 will die." other variations include "by friday" or "westside students will die."
tuesday- random windows were broken on the hill. eerily, there were 13. i heard it might of been gunshots.

version 2: news (source: http://www.action3news.com/Global/story.asp?S=8206161)
monday- "Just yesterday, officers headed to the school after teachers and students found several threatening messages in several restrooms at the high school. District 66 would not give out any specific information about what
"District 66 confirms that those cars were all parked in the neighborhood around the school. A spokesperson says the windows were likely broken by a BB or pellet gun. Omaha Police tell us they don't think the threats and the vandalism are connected."

maybe the bolded portion is true... but if it was really 13 (like if 3 didn't report yet or something).........

i'm scared.

on the bright side, i'm now the girlfriend of a sex god

mm i wish.

bright:
a. ran 1.5 miles... which is epic for me. body aches... hurts so good... athleticism is low grade sadism, i swear.
b. have prom date.
c. all homework is done.
d. i'm going to bed early...

not so bright
a. just inhaled bread pudding surrounded in caramel sauce. can feel once clear arteries slowly but surely clogging.
b. prom date is a mute. maybe i can return to my old mute self with him! we can conversations with our eyes. unfortunately i'm being sarcastic or this would be in the bright column.
c. correction: all homework is done that i haven't lost or forgotten to turn in.
d. ish

and that's my evening.
night lovermuffin.

debbie downer.

alright,
you say you want an update.

i've been pretty, as arman zelkjovic would say, sketchh lately.
in that i really have just given up on trying in high school.
i'm utterly fixated on college and making money for college and being hot at college and having a good personality to meet people in college.
it's so sad. it's like i need something to obsess about, and that's my personality.
i hate being type A. i hate it.
but i can't just not care. i'm too passionate, obsessive, dwelling. i'm also going to die about 10 years earlier than someone like sarah gill. but i'm not too upset about that, old age depresses me.

also,
i've been thinking about depression lately. i've been in this AWFUL funk for a couple of months and i've been trying to snap out of it and/or waiting to snap out of it.
it just ain't happening.
i can see myself isolating and becoming reclusive, but i'm okay with that.
i find myself being a raging bitch but i just see it as being cynical.
i take out my stress on those around me, especially on my mom and dad and it's not fair.

okay, i need to stop now.
but maybe now you understand why i haven't been blogging or journaling. i've been in a terrible mood and don't feel good about anything and don't want to write about cute interesting things in my life because i'd rather sit around and be moody and then escape from it all with outlets like the O.C.

catalina la loca

currently i am proving the nickname given to me is totally true.
that's right.
i, fafjaeiojf, am a weirdo with a beard-o.
only without the beard. i do have a teeny mustache, though, but that's a touchy subject.

anyway.
the reason i say this is because i am eating dinner. at 10:18 pm.
consisting of:
carrots
creamed cabbage
yogurt
almonds
milk with vanilla protein powder.


it's a wonder i even got into college.
seattle sent me an acceptance letter today and tomorrow i'm supposed to find out about puget sound.
omgomgomgomg i'm so nervous.

love,
CLL




EDITTTTT:

i just got accepted to my dream school.
speaking of dream, i must be doing so right now.
oh
my
gosh.